100 Ways Akatsuki is Better Than You
by Aeon Summoner Yuna
Summary: There will be 100 drabbles of Akatsuki in this because I said so. The ones that are yaoi, genderbending, Mrated, or whatever will be labeled as such so NO WHINING. ON HIATUS. MY NARUTO MUSE IS ON VACAY, SORRY.
1. DEIDARA HATES YOU

100 Fics of Akatsuki, un!

By Tia!

My Mission? This is an LJ fanfic challenge. IT WILL BE AWESOME. Akatsuki in all its awesomeness jam-packed into 100 FUCKING FICS. Dare me to write that much? I DARE YOU TO READ THAT MUCH.

FIRST UP: Deidara joins Akatsuki, and hates it already.

Deidara joined the Akatsuki knowing that he'd hate it like a bitch. Solo was the way he rolled, for after the first time he joined an organization he got felt up one too many times. He totally didn't see what it was that leering, fellow evil-doers saw in him. It's not like he was a simpering little girl, and damn if he wanted some gross pedophiles pawing at him like that. Besides, he totally didn't swing that way.

Once Pein had initiated the newcomer, Deidara grunted and hurried into his newly assigned room, doing everything he could to avoid the eyes of his new teammates. Don't think he hasn't heard of Orochimaru, and how that man was renowned for pawing at and "experimenting" with underage male bodies. Lord help Pein if the rest of the members were anything like him, Deidara would blow everyone the fuck up and be over with it.

"Un," said Deidara, taking a look around the room. It was a mess of limb-shaped wooden parts, and do-dads, do-hickeys, and thinger-magiggers. There were containers of scorpions, spiders as large as his hands, and a few unidentifiables that sent chills up Deidara's spine. His mouth hands have chewed on poisonous things and bugs before. Yah, so _not_ fun.

In conclusion? His roommate was a total freak. He requested that he be partnered with a true artist and no less, but all he has seen so far is unkempt asshattery. He didn't like where the beginning of this whole new relationship was going, but then again Deidara didn't like much of anything.

"So you're the girly brat I'm to be partnered up with," said a deep voice from the door. With a wooden arm in his hand, Deidara turned toward the irate looking… thing that he guessed was supposed to be his partner in crime. While beggars couldn't be choosers, it wasn't as if Deidara begged to join this stupid organization. More like forced by an evil, wicked man who was tentimesmoreffeminatekthx, but let's not go there.

"I'm Deidara, and I have the power to blow this fucking room to smithereens if you ever say that again!" said Deidara, tossing down the arm of some puppet in process and stomping it into a million pieces.

That day Sasori of Red Sands learned a sore spot of Deidara's, and Deidara learned a sore spot of Sasori's. NEVER mess with the puppet master's works of eternal beauty.

So "Hiroku" shot a needle out of a random part of his body, which rendered Deidara paralyzed, but still conscious. Deidara cursed a million times at this ugly what-cha-ma-call-it that he now shared a room with. Curse fate for all of its wrong-doings and utter bullshit.

"Violate my precious work again and the next one will be deadly, _Deidara_," spat Sasori, and that is how he and Deidara started off on the wrong foot.

THE END OF DRABBLE ONE

Remember, if you read it you should review it. Authors (especially me) like that a lot, k.


	2. DeiDei hates Tobi, Itachi hates em both!

Tiger of the Wind: Sry, I just like to write my own versions of things. Don't expect nothin' but the characters themselves to follow the manga that close. Thanks tho. Sasori fucking rules! :DDDDDDDD

* * *

SECOND UP: Tobi's a thief! Deidara's pissed! Itachi's caught in the middle of it. GYAAA!

When Itachi was in the middle of doing something he generally didn't like to be interrupted by tom foolery from his fellow teammates.

"TOOOOOOOOOBI!"

Especially when it can to his master, Madara, who only pretended to be an idiot because he thought it was fun. Imagine that, a life wrought of war plagued nations and evil badassness. One would think the legendary Madara was cooler than he acted now. Still, he conveyed the image of an annoying brat all too well, for what? To get on Deidara's nerves? To ensure Deidara stayed amused enough so he wouldn't ponder the notion of quitting the Akatsuki for better things? "Tobi" certainly kept him on his toes.

Itachi's Sharingan detected that in no less than three seconds, Deidara would barrel toward him from the left, and Tobi screeching from the right. He steeped out of the way just in time to see them crash into one another like the pair of stooges that they were. Damn if he was going to (literally) be caught in the middle of that.

Judging by the pained blurs before his very eyes, Deidara was stark naked. Apparently Tobi had stolen his towel, because Tobi appeared to be hiding behind something yellow and fluffy.

"OWW," said Deidara, taking a paw at his bleeding nose. He didn't seem to care that he was on his bare ass, legs spread wide apart, NAKED I MIGHT ADD. He certainly WOULD CARE if Orochimaru was still part of the organization, let me tell you! Itachi was glad he couldn't see all that well, because the last mental image that he needed was the one I just described. Oh well, could be worse. Orochimaru could be there with his tongue hanging out in a very inappropriate manner. There were few things that could scar Itachi Uchiha for life, and that was one of them.

"Sorry sempai!! Z-Zetsu-san needed a towel after disposing of the… "

"I don't give a fuckdamn shit, un. Gimme my towel!" said Deidara, snatching the cloth out of Tobi's hands, and giving him one mean punch in the head with a snap that echoed across the barren room. The way Tobi whimpered and moaned made you really want to question whether he was former man of greatness. Actually, in this case former was right!

"What are YOU staring at, un?" Itachi wasn't staring. He simply wished Tobi and Deidara would get lost so he could work on his Sharingan some more. He was simply assessing the speed in which it took a notably sopping wet Deidara to wrap a towel around his waist and get lost. "Don't tell me you're some kind of dark perv fag on top of being psycho and weird!"

Itachi was tempted to put just that scenario into action for Deidara with his Mangekyou Sharingan just to be mean, but he had better things to spend precious energy on.

"Itachi-san can't see, remember sempai?" said Tobi, and with a growl, a stomp, and a huff Deidara was off.

"Psst, did you know that sempai really IS a man, Itachi-san?"

… And so was Itachi. He hated being caught in the middle of Madara's desire to act a damn fool.

THE END OF DRABBLE TWO


	3. KAKUZU AND HIDAN HATE EACHOTHER LIKEALOT

At the end of the day Kakuzu always sat and counted his cash at least twice, making sure his funds weren't so much as a penny short. He'd sit and observe money accumulated at the end of the day carefully, marveling in the alluring sight and hypnotic smell of what he lived for. Money was the only thing he believed in, and the only thing that brought joy into his otherwise shitty days. You can just imagine how poorly he reacts when the ritual is broken. Unfortunately for him, it is almost every night.

You see, after he'd counted his money each night he'd been lulled into a state of bliss that lasted all of two seconds. He would turn off the table lamp, crawl into bed, and have the sound of Hidan's snoring cracking his ear drums. That stupid fuck of a shit really got on Kakuzu's nerves. At least back at the hideout he had to option of sleeping FAR FAR away from Hidan. He'd rather sleep in a fucking TREE than in the same room as Hidan. But alas, tonight that was not to be. They were trying keep a low profile (keyword: TRYING), so they had to stay at an inn. A CHEAP one, because paying precious money to sleep in a place too extravagant was the biggest waste of money in the world.

Every time after sleeping in an inn with Hidan he told himself he'd spring the extra cash for separate bedrooms. When that time came, though, he deemed it somehow necessary to save his money, thus putting him through this hell. Again. He has killed a man for snoring in the past, I shit you not! He has also killed men for smoking stuff that wasn't weed, for making an offhanded remark about something totally irrelevant and unnecessary, for eating too loud, for making a mess of their quarters, for farting, for TOUCHING HIS MONEY WHATFUCKINGNERVE. And sometimes he'd killed them just for the hell of it. Kakuzu was cool like that.

He's attempted to kill Hidan for snoring in the past. He smothered the man with a pillow until his lungs ached so much that he flew himself off the bed and gagged. He stabbed him in forty different places until he was almost out of blood. He commented on his body being in an excruciating amount of pain, and it being too FUCKING cold in there and CLOSE THE WINDOW. Kakuzu couldn't kill Hidan no matter what, so he liked making his "kills" interesting.

He took a flask out of his pack and lifted a bitter and burning liquid that would perhaps floor him to his lips. While his thoughts were still coherent, he observed the flask and thought of something brilliant! It was likely to blow their cover, but hell. Kakuzu was in a bad mood. Since the rat bastard bitched about being "too cold" last time, Kakuzu could dump the rest of his shit on Hidan's bed and light a match. He's always wanted to set someone on fire!

So that's just what he did. He toasted to a nightly victory, poured the alcohol all over Hidan's sheets, lit a match, and the bed burst into a perfect sea of flames. Kakuzu laughed his ass off, grabbed his money and his cloak, and high-tailed it the fuck out of there. As he descended from the flight of stairs, and dashed past the oblivious receptionist sleeping on the job, he heard a gut curdling scream from their room. He was out the door before anyone could notice him.

Just as he exited the building, Hidan came crashing through their window, and fell a good four floors down right on his front. By now the entire top floor was in flames, and there was no hope left for that building. As for Hidan, he was busy rolling the last of the flames from his cloak. There wasn't much cloak left. Actually, there wasn't much skin left either. Kakuzu laughed again.

"Stop, drop, and roll, huh?" said Kakuzu, helping Hidan in no way, shape, or form through his predicament.

"FUCK YOU. JUST, FUCK YOU!" screamed Hidan. He wasn't the only one who was screaming. The rest of the building had begun to collapse, and the handful of patrons was having a difficult time finding the exit, apparently. "WHAT THE FUCK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?? THIS IS NO JOKE, GODDAMNFUCK, I'M HURTIN'!"

"You'd be dead, too, if you were anyone else," said Kakuzu, obviously feeling no guilt. Well, he satiated his lust for causing pain today. Now on to the next town before anybody noticed them. "Now shut up and let's go!"

"YOU'RE FUCKING SICK AND TWISTED, YOU GODDAMNFUCK. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON DICK AND DIE."

"Likewise, however unlikely it may be."

THE END OF DRABBLE THREE


	4. Konan hates Pein fangirls!

Konan was not only God's Angel, but she was also his girlfriend. What's more, she could tell that, though they feared and worshiped him, some girls found him tremendously attractive. One even had the nerve to wander into their personal bubble and admit her unwavering love for him. Konan lead the girl and Pein into their lair with a placid face on. When they arrived she made a blade out of her paper and KILLED THE BITCH. Nobody, and I mean _nobody_ comes into Pein's life except for Konan, not even their teammates. He was hers! All six of him!

"Now Konan, that was completely unnecessary. Staining our carpet with blood like that," said Pein, obviously showing more sympathy toward the douche who would wind up having to clean up the stain, as opposed to the fangirl. You see, Fangirls ranked among the Top 5 most inhuman and killable things, along with Gerbils, Jinchuurikis, Teletubbies, and everyone on the Disney Channel, so Pein didn't give a shit about the girl.

"Yes, but what's done is done, pookie-wookie. Let's go make out in front of a really bad movie while the rest of the guys actually DO stuff."

"Sounds good to me," said Pein, scooping his beautiful woman into his arms and leaving the dead fangirl to bleed and, well, bleed. Zetsu would find her most delectable.

THE END OF DRABBLE FOUR


	5. ITACHI HATES WRITING

Warning: AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AU, ONOEZ!!

_On the outside, Kisame is all blue and sharky and stuff. On the inside, well, he is probably all blue and gutty._ SCRIBBLESCRATCH. Itachi didn't know! Akatsuki Elementary was having a story writing contest, and because Itachi's parents wanted him to win everything ever, he had to submit something to the writing contest, and win it. Much to Itachi's chagrin, he sucked and failed at writing, especially with the contest's theme. _Best Friends._

His parents didn't know about it, but Itachi was affiliated with the biggest group of bad delinquents in Akatsuki Elementary. Hidan was the boy who said swear words to his teacher. Deidara was the one who put a cherry bomb inside a toilet. Kakuzu stole five bucks from his teacher. Pein plotted world domination in front of the class while the teacher had to take a student who had just thrown up to the nurse. Konan forced herself to throw up so Pein could plot world domination in front of the class. Sasori always brought toys to school when he wasn't allowed to. Zetsu bit people and told them they tasted like chicken. Contrary to popular belief, Itachi's cousin Tobi really WASN'T a good boy, and everyone took the rap for his wrong-doings, while the teachers still thought of him as an angel.

Kisame and Itachi become a part of that group for several reasons. They copied off of Itachi's perfect paper and homework at the price of beating up whatever fuckers picked on his little brother. They were also a good source of amusement, because though little Itachi didn't show it, he had a really twisted sense of humor. As for Kisame? Well, he just did everything Itachi did. He didn't have many friends, and that was sad. He was really good at video games, and Itachi hated his company less than everybody else's.

So since Kisame was the only friend of his Itachi's parents knew about, he had to write a story about Kisame. What was there to him? Well, he was half shark and half boy, but that was obvious!! Devoted friend maybe? The only other boy aside from him who was welcome to lay a finger on his Sasuke. Yeah, that was good. Then there was how they met. Itachi was drowning one day, and his bastard ass of a father was making him man it out. His mom was eight months pregnant with Sasuke, so there was nothing she could do. Five year old Itachi was on the brink of death until Kisame rescued him. Kisame was the best swimmer ever, but it didn't take a genius to figure that out. A half-shark thing that couldn't swim was like a… like an Akatsuki elementary delinquent who could play nice. Yeah, no, not happening. Kisame saved his life, and since then Itachi had his One Friend for about six years until he met Pein and all them.

He thought he'd lost his appreciation for Kisame throughout the years. Itachi could easily write a paper about Deidara, Hidan, or Pein, but Kisame was a challenge. There was nothing particularly amazing about him, he was just, you know, there. Itachi chewed on the butt of his pen. This wasn't working.

The next day he went on the Internet, copied and pasted the best "BFFs story ever" off some website thirty clicks into Google, replaced "Nate" and "Sam" with "Itachi" and "Kisame", saved it, printed it, and submitted it. A few days later, he won! Not only did he make his parents proud, but he was now a proper delinquent. He didn't even get caught!

Sadly, though, Kisame was very touched by the words that were not Itachi's. But like everyone else, Kisame would never learn of Itachi's treachery!

THE END OF DRABBLE FIVE


	6. Hidan hates when Saso and Dei have smex!

Warning: YAOI, M-RATED. Not explicit, but not for kids. SasoDei. You have the option to SKIP THIS CHAPTER if you hate yaoi. NO WHINING. I FUCKIN MEAN IT.

Sasori often kept Deidara up for hours during the night, showering his abs with dry, lifeless kisses and bruising his hips with hard squeezes and caresses that he couldn't feel. To Deidara, pain and death were art in its purest form, so naturally Sasori knew how to please him. Fucking him raw often went a little too far, but hey, an orgasm to Deidara was no different than eating a chocolate bar, pleasurable, but without meaning. Pain was so much more delicious, more raw, and more real.

Sometimes, though, Sasori's endless stamina brought Deidara misery. He could keep Deidara up all night, watching him squirm under his unkind touch, and sometimes he did. The first time was hot, the second was all right, and from then on it towered up the list of things that annoyed Deidara. After Sasori had thoroughly mauled him and drained him of every orgasm he'd ever needed in a lifetime, Deidara crept out of the room claiming he needed to use the bathroom, when really he was escaping. One more go would be the death of him, and he didn't want to die from THAT kind of bang.

He was dressed in nothing more than a knee-high skimpy bathrobe, and planned to crash in the main room where he could have some peace and sleep. Of course, that's what he thought until he noticed the lights on were downstairs. Curious, he crept down upon a game of cards between Kisame, Konan, Kakuzu, and Tobi. Itachi was there, too, but he was blind so he couldn't really play cards. According to Jashin, Hidan's opponents were supposed to be brutally killed after losing a game to him, but because Leader-sama refused to let him kill his teammates, Hidan refused to play. He went against his religion enough on missions where he couldn't murder everyone ever anyway.

"Well, look who it is! The fuckin' screamer's finally done keeping us all awake," said Hidan, slamming his fist against the table. Everyone who had a full glass of beer now didn't. They may have thought to direct their anger at Deidara initially, but when Konan, Kisame, and Kakuzu were all wringing freshly spilled beer out of their cloaks, they forgot why they were all awake at 2AM in the first place.

That was, until Deidara began to rant.

"It's not my fault, un! He has unlimited stamina, he could keep me up for days if he wanted to! And he knows all the best spots to pinch and smack me," said Deidara, stating that last one with pride as Hidan's face sunk into a pale green color. He liked where this was going, but alas, anger washed over him again when he nearly tripped over absolutely nothing in his exhaustion. Everyone laughed at his dismay, so Deidara continued to rant. "Danna's a fucking sex maniac!" Pun intended. "My whole body hurts, my balls are killing me, un! And you're all complaining about never getting any sleep?!"

"Hidan was the only one complaining," said Konan, one of the only two completely unfazed about Deidara's little open rant there. In fact, though her expression was as passive as it always was, something in her eyes lead him to believe that she wanted him to continue. Itachi had nothing to say or feel about any of this, which would lead one to believe that he'd fallen asleep behind those blank, albeit wide open red eyes that Deidara so hated. Tobi covered his ears and "La la la"-ed through the whole thing. The others were looking a bit green, except for Kisame. He was turning purple. Huh, wonder what that means...

"THAT'S IT, I'm going to bed. Fuck you, Deidara. Actually, no. Do us all a favor and at least gag yourself next time you have sex," said Hidan, purposefully slamming his shoulder against Deidara's on the way up the stairs. "And I mean all three of your mouths!"

"How do you know I only have three, un?" said Deidara, and that about did Hidan in. Without a word, Kakuzu followed Hidan and refused to even look at or acknowledge Deidara after that less than graceful display. Tobi had long since run away, a Zetsu who had come quite literally out of nowhere on tow, not wanting to taint his brain with unnecessaries. Normally Kisame would guide Itachi (who apparently was awake through the whole thing) through the halls, but really didn't want to touch the other man right now. Konan was slow preparing to leave, probably hoping Deidara would say more. Great, Leader-sama's girlfriend was a closet perverted fag hag. Wouldn't he just _love_ to know that?

She said nothing as she left, and for that Deidara was glad. All he wanted to do was snuggle up on the couch and go to sleep. It was only a few more hours until sunrise.

"It takes you that long to pee, Deidara?" said Sasori, just before Deidara could turn out the light.

Great. Just great.

THE END OF DRABBLE SIX


	7. ITACHI HATES DYING

Warning: YAOI, T-RATED. KisaIta. You have the option to SKIP THIS CHAPTER if you hate yaoi. NO WHINING. I FUCKIN MEAN IT. Manga spoilers, minor ones. I probably forgot a few details, so don't bitch at me. I don't pay attention to EVERY LITTLE THING because frankly I don't CARE about EVERY LITTLE THING.

I MEANT FOR THIS TO BE MORE SMUTTY THAN ANGSTY, WTF?? I want to make an extended lemon version of this and post it on a site that allows smut. Hmm, yes.

xXxXx

Kisame knew Itachi's days were numbered the moment he'd begun to vomit blood. It all started when they set up camp after travelling by foot for three days straight. They could have gone on longer, but when they were surrounded by enemies Itachi had no choice but to use his Sharingan. He hid it well, but the stagger in his step afterward was unmistakable, and his focus was shot. Kisame stopped just in front of him, and Itachi couldn't even see it. He knocked into the taller man's back, and that's when they decided that a little rest was in order.

That was the first night Kisame awoke to Itachi's strangled coughs, streams of blood pooling through his fingers. It was almost humorous to see a kid his age struggle with illness fit for an old man. That's what he gets for acting like an old man. Itachi was fairly resilient to his occasional bouts of illness, and made it clear to Kisame that their leader wasn't to learn of it. The last thing he needed was the scorn, or worse, the concern of anyone. He just wanted to do his thing, and live long enough to see Sasuke's face once more. He could do that all on his own.

Or so he thought. The illness lost its humor once it became a frequent thing. Itachi grew paler by the day, and if Kisame were to touch that sheet-white skin, he had no doubt that it'd be as cold as it looked. At this rate, he and his partner would just be walking along, and Kisame would hear something go 'thud' from behind. He'd turn around, and Itachi would be dead on the ground.

Perhaps the most amazing part about all of this was that Itachi never spoke of it, that was, until Kisame did hear the 'thud' from behind. It wasn't what he thought it was going to be, though. Itachi merely seated himself beneath a tree, straightening his back the best he could against the bark while he caught his breath. Breathless was a new one, as far as Kisame knew. It just wasn't in Itachi's nature to be a display of weakness. Unfortunately, this could only mean one thing. The days Itachi had to live were no longer days. They were more like hours, perhaps even minutes. Kisame walked over toward his exhausted partner, grinning to keep the mood light. That's how Itachi would want it.

"Kisame, are you… can't see," said Itachi, speaking beneath labored gasps. He reached over and grabbed his companion by the hair, and Kisame chuckled. Surely there was still some humor to this situation.

"It's just me here, Itachi-san," said Kisame, removing the missing Leaf's hand from his head before he mistook it for some odd form of affection. Itachi wasn't the affectionate type. "Are you sure you want to stop here?"

"Sasuke… he's close. I can feel him," said Itachi. It was funny how he could _feel_ Sasuke, yet it was the shoulders of Kisame's cloak that the Uchiha was clutching. He appeared so weak, and yet he had so much power in him, perhaps barely enough to take out an army before he dropped dead. Yes, he could take out an army while barely being able to stand up. Only Itachi. "Kisame… "

"Take it easy, Itachi-san. If he's close then we'll take care of him."

"No!" Itachi's head was a few inches from Kisame's cloak. It was almost as though he were seeking the other man's body for warmth, to find the strength to stand, to live. "I must do it alone, but I must… I must…

"Go alone, and I must live. He's close, but not close enough. At this rate, I won't… "

"You'll be fine," said Kisame. "It's just the blood loss getting to you. Relax."

"I can't…" Red eyes, bloodshot with Sharingan, peered right up at Kisame. Seems he was close enough to see where Kisame's eyes were. He never saw his partner look so desperate for something. Hell, it wasn't like Itachi ever asked for much. He was too proud, too independent; however, things do change, and for once Itachi acknowledged his partner as a little more than some guy the leader stuck him with because it was the rules. "Kisame, I must live until he comes. I must see Sasuke. Do anything… to keep me alive until then."

_Anything_.

"What do you think I can d-mmm," said Kisame, that was, before his question was answered by Itachi's bruising lips. They were every bit as cold as they looked, not that Kisame would have admitted to looking. Then there was his skin, those bloodless hands that felt like ice. Itachi was always far too perceptive for his own good, to be legally blind and still see that his teammate has spent years ogling him. He was using that to his advantage. Now he wanted to use sex or something to keep himself busy, to keep his mind off of dying. Hell, to keep himself _from_ dying just yet.

If it was the best that Kisame ever could hope to get from Itachi, especially now that his days were numbered, then he would comply.

THE END OF DRABBLE SEVEN


End file.
